Month 8 (Part 4) Not journey’s end but the start of a new phase

The things some guys will say to get out of a date! Actually do believe this one. The week-end I had so been looking forward to didn’t happen, sadly due to an awful industrial accident, my date was very seriously injured. He was hospitalised and although is now home recovering, I guess the last thing on his mind for now is a romp with me! He e-mailed me to tell me what had happened and say he was sorry but needed to go to bed – there was no innuendo there. I haven’t heard from him for 7 days so am a bit worried, not from my perspective but for him. As I don’t know where he lives exactly, I can’t even take him jelly and ice-cream! I felt as though I had rehearsed for a play that was pulled before the opening night!

Time will tell whether we’ll ever try out the suggested life-style, meanwhile I shall carry on dating, trying to keep an open mind. Thing is, I suppose, as I said in one of the earlier blogs, once the genie is out of the bottle, there’s no getting it back in. I cannot unlearn what I have been learning, but again, if I choose not to try it out, I guess it will slip into the background but I have become more liberal and broad-minded in the process and that cannot be a bad thing.

The prospect of two 2nd dates put a smile back on my face. The first on Monday evening was with R (51) from Newington which followed a similar pattern to the previous one but there was a lot of flirting and teasing in the build up to it so it culminated in dares as to what we would or wouldn’t wear and neither of us backed down. A pretty hot date all round and we both went away with silly grins on our faces.

Then the next day, I got an unexpected message from B (51) from Westbrook. I say unexpected because I hadn’t heard from him since our first date which surprised me as I thought we had both found it pretty hot. I thought the change of heart had been because I wouldn’t promise exclusivity but he now admits he was thrown because I said I wanted a social life too and he was worried about people making wrong assumptions about being seen out with his Mum….. OK, I guess that’s not unreasonable. Just wish he’d said that was the problem, however it seems he personally doesn’t have any issue with the age difference. Guess some people are more worried about public perceptions than others. I suppose I would have been a few months ago though in my defence I did date a 24 year old man when I was 15 who later became my husband and age different relationships were a lot less common then so guess I’ve always slightly gone against ‘the norm’.

He asked if we could meet later that day (he works nights) but I was working so we agreed that the next day would work well for both of us and he invited me to his home and I accepted. There were a lot of messages back and forth that day and a late night video call when he was at work. I woke early and spent time getting ready and doing what needed to be done before leaving home. Finally, I texted for the address and he said he couldn’t meet, he was too tired and would have to work that night. It all sounded too lame so I suggested it might be the age thing again. He said not but admitted there was a problem in my coming to his home as it was not tidy etc. Now actually I absolutely understand that, but why did he suggest it in the first place, or if having thought about it later, cancel at that point? It’s the second time I have got ready for a date to have it cancelled at the last minute and it is not only disappointing, it is a tad humiliating too, especially as in this case, there was no doubt what the expectation of the date was.  I am philosophical and know that it is part of the dating process but do feel let down and irritated. At the moment, I am hoping that something else will happen this week so I finish my regular blog on a high.

Still promises of a future meet from T (55) from Gt. Yarmouth, R (67) from Twickenham, S (60) from Wisbech, D (61) of Ipswich, a massage from A (55) from Westgate and of course M (42) from London. Pity that most of them are so far away! There are also a few others who keep occasional contact so I’m not giving up yet.  Indeed a new name cropped up this week who is local and I am meeting him tonight. Who know what the future holds?

I guess what I have learnt overall is that it’s never too late to try new things and dipping your toe in the water of anything unfamiliar can be a little scary but also very invigorating. I would advise anyone else embarking on a similar journey to mine, whatever their age, to be cautious and not take everyone at face value but that there really are nice people out there and there is good fun to be had, even with people you’ll never meet but are sharing a similar experience with. If nothing else, I have some sexy ‘penfriends’!

I may write the occasional blog on this thread from now on but only if I feel I have something interesting to say. If you want to be notified when I post, you’ll have to press the ‘follow’ button so you get an e-mail when I post or just check back occasionally. I’ll continue to write but may not post it, but then if in retrospect I think any of the ‘storylines’ were worth following I’ll have the right information already written. Beyond that, maybe I‘ll think about another blog. Anyone got any ideas what it should be about? Answers on a postcard (or leave a comment here, better still!).

Once again, thank you anyone who has given me support and encouragement, either publicly or privately. All feedback was much appreciated.Bouquet

Month 8 (Part 3) Nearing the end of the journey

I feel slightly in a state of limbo, excited but a little nervous about the week-end ahead when I hope to meet the gent who has made me this tempting offer and how it might be pivotal to my future life, yet, at the same time, a bit irritated because a lot of fellows I am hoping to meet up with are unable to find the time or source a suitable venue or whatever just when I am ready to move forward. How very dare they not be available at the click of my fingers! I think my Domme personality is beginning to raise its head but not necessarily with the right people, though having read the blog, two or three men have offered to let me take charge!  I have hidden my profile on both dating sites again till things sort themselves out. I have plenty of contacts for now and will see how things go. Some go back almost to the start of my dating journey though we haven’t met yet but they are obviously still interested so I won’t be greedy and encourage more!

Research is still continuing into D/s relationships and how they work and I’m even watching occasional porn clips which I would have been appalled at watching a few months ago. How my boundaries have moved! Even now, I can’t say I enjoy porn but am more interested from a technical point of view.

I think also maybe my blog has run its course. It was never meant to be about my sex life but about my dating journey and whether next week-end’s meeting, assuming it goes ahead, is successful or not, and whether I finally decide to follow that course with my life, I can certainly say I have had the most mind-blowing journey and I’ve enjoyed sharing it. I have also been gratified by the comments and messages of support I’ve received from interested readers. I never thought it would have the wider appeal it seems to have gathered en route. Who knows, maybe I’ll find something else to blog about? I shall certainly write for at least one more week as I 69think some regular  followers may be interested but I’ll see after that. I’m not sure where the journey could now take me and I don’t want it to become boring. It was my birthday a few days ago, I am now 69 which has been commented that it’s an interesting number to be, maybe that’s why it is time to stop writing and start living more.

Month 8 (part 2) Domme training!

Well who’d have thought it? I, the archetypal ‘vanilla sex’ girl, is considering becoming a Domme to a very nice man if we get on well enough when we meet. Although my earlier reading has made me more knowledgeable about the world of BDSM, I didn’t really think I would be considering making this my future sex life! Not sure all my other potential dates would like to see me that way either, I guess, but shall certainly carry on dating till decisions are made and if it does work out, some may be happy to be ‘Friends with Benefits’ as it seems that is allowed in my new role.

If I do agree to go that route, I will embrace it to the best of my ability, hence, once again DommeI am reading avidly books and recommended websites. It actually all sounds pretty awesome! I am aware I’ve always been a bit on the bossy side, a natural organiser and leader but never visualised myself as a Domme. Thank goodness he says I don’t have to dress in leather and wield a whip! I’ll try and keep an open mind but am becoming more and more attracted to the idea the more I talk to him about it. I also need to be very sure that I am making any commitment for the right reasons, there is a lot to consider, not least my Christian faith, which is important to me. Have even discussed the possibility with my vicar, all a bit distressing but heard nothing I wasn’t expecting. However, I am still trying to square the circle and don’t need to make decisions yet.

Meanwhile other dating chats continue. R (67) of Twickenham hadn’t taken offence at my blog at all, he’d just been poorly so not in touch. We postponed our date till he is fully recovered and I am less busy. M (42) of London has also been back in touch. It seems he just can stay away and just as I blogged how proud of him I was for giving me up!!

R of Twickenham is, by his own admission becoming RR (Randy R…). There are frequent chats and video calls, I seem to be taking daily selfies for him – and others – and I hate being in photos at the best of times but then it seems I am becoming a new woman so perhaps that is why I am taking it in my stride.

I will also not put up with guys who only know me slightly through chat and / or one meeting, telling me what I should or should not be doing with my sex life. I put my point of view but if they don’t accept it then I can’t be bothered with them. Luckily I am fortunate to have options and will make my own mind up what I will or won’t do in my own time and my own way so G of Chelmsford (who thinks I’m greener than Kermit) and D of Charing have joined others in the reject file

I thought I was actually going to get a massage this week from A (55) from Westgate but we need somewhere discreet and he wasn’t available mid-week on an evening when I was free and he can’t afford the price of a hotel room at week-end rates and I’m sure not paying for it so that will stay in abeyance for now.

Very much looking forward to a meeting, hopefully next week, with S (60) of Wisbech and maybe R of Twickenham soon too so hope springs eternal.

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Month 8 (Part 1) – “I can resist anything except temptation” – Oscar Wilde

Was told my last blog was depressing and when queried this with another was told that while it might not be depressing was maybe a little glum! Such are the ups and downs of dating but don’t wish to be either glum or depressing so happy to announce that this week has been much brighter!

It has been an interesting week: thought I had a date booked on Friday with the guy who last stood me up because he had to wait in for a parcel to be delivered. (Asked him what was in the parcel and he said a router so I told him he could think of me each time he used it and sent him a saucy pic!). Well I’d made him wait six weeks or so for another chance and eventually he made it back on the list. When we fixed the date a week ago I said not to let me down again and to confirm by mid-week if it was going ahead. Nothing heard so he’s in the reject file too and blocked on WhatsApp.

That said, another guy with the same forename but from a different town made contact, was very keen to meet and even took time off work to do so. At least with the first one deleted, I won’t send stuff to the wrong person! I met B (51) from Westbrook in a nearby town. We’d chatted on WhatsApp from the beginning as he was only on site 5 for a couple of days as was playing ducks and drakes with someone from work on the same site and didn’t want her to see him there. Apparently gossip is rife. We got on so well we agreed to meet within two days of first making contact but the weather was against us. It absolutely teemed with rain, so much so that he’d have got soaked in seconds walking to our agreed meeting place so I drove closer to pick him up. Windows were steamed up even before I met him and the rain was relentless. We abandoned the idea of a drink in a local hostelry as we’d have looked like drowned rats before we’d made it out of the car park so just drove to the cliffs and had our ‘get to know you’ type chat there and enjoyed each other’s company for a couple of hours.

Rain On Screen LargeG (51) of Chelmsford mentioned in Month 4 (part 2) blog got in touch again and said he’d like to meet; likewise S (60) from Wisbech, with whom I had been chatting on and off for over a month, who said he would soon be visiting his son who lives relatively locally.  I’d already arranged a date with R (67) of Twickenham for next week, though now actually think that last week’s blog has irritated him so he may not show, which is a shame, but overall I am feeling optimistic.

Had an audio telephone conversation with J (64) of Ulster, first mentioned in month 4 (part 3) blog. We have messaged fairly regularly since we first met on-line but this had been the first time we had actually heard each other’s voices. He liked my accent and I his. It also amazed me how someone who comes over so shy on-line can so come out of his shell when actually speaking. It seems he’s worried about being kicked off the site if he says the wrong things although I assured him if that were the case, not only I but most of the men I chat to would have been thrown off long ago but he’s not convinced.

I have received a very tempting offer if a certain gent and I hit it off but the question is, do I feel comfortable in accepting it? He is looking for a ‘strong minded lady’.  Incredibly, his main sexual pleasure is to do anything he is told to by ‘his lady’ to please her. He looks at this completely unselfishly as he ‘is programmed‘ by events in his past to do this and he gets his satisfaction from almost venerating [my word as I feel even less comfortable with his] her body in every way, even to the extent that he is happy for her to take lovers whilst he would be utterly faithful. Sounds so hedonistic but having heard his back-story, I actually do believe that this is what he wants but I am struggling to get my head round it. Apart from the fact that I am used to being monogamous, unless I really fell in love with him, I couldn’t help but feel I was using him which does not sit easy with me at all. The whole story has blown my hat off and I can think of little else at the moment. I am trying to keep an open mind until we meet. I think I will even give it a go to see if it helps me make up my mind, but although an offer like his (and I can’t give more details) will only come once in my lifetime, the jury’s out as to whether I feel I can accept it, if indeed he is still offering it to me after we meet. Time will tell…..

Month 7 (Part 3) Feeling a tad jaded

Got back from first date with A of Westgate as mentioned in last blog and checked messages on line as usual and there was a very nice one from a new contact D (61) of Ipswich. We chatted on line for a couple of hours and seemed to get on well. He asked if we could phone chat next morning, which we did – twice – and agreed that in spite of the distance, it would be worth trying to meet. Actually was quite excited at the prospect of this one but have learnt not to count chickens and just as well as he seems to have perceptibly cooled over the last week and I’m not sure why.

Two other new contacts who seem keen but are really too far away have not only texted but phoned as well which was unusual to me until recently and are worth a mention as they may well crop up again.  R (67) from Twickenham who is going to be the next ‘Bad Boy’ to replace M of London, I think, with his constant texts, phone calls and even video calls. The other is T (55) from Gt. Yarmouth. He’s too far away but visits a friend in Kent in the summer so hopes to fit in a date then. He even tells me he has massage skills to so maybe hope of a good massage yet!

I had asked M of London if we were to go to bed once, would it ‘scratch the itch’ for him or did he think he’d only want more? His answer was that he’d be insatiable! Our last (I believe) conversation continued:

Then maybe best not to start. I’d come round to the idea that maybe just once would satisfy curiosity. Think you like the chase.

We need to do it

Not if it’s going to make life harder. [conversation continued about difficulties of meeting up for a good few weeks anyway and he said he could wait if he had to]

But for the longer term you need to find someone else anyway as if I do form an attachment, I shall not be unfaithful, it’s not my MO.

But you will fall for me

The reason I’m taking my time is that I’m picky and falling for you is not an option. You are taken. I know I could fall for you. Anyway, sex apart, I am too old for you. If you’re really trying to get me out of your system, delete our conversations and my number. I will understand and be proud of you for doing it – even if I miss our chats…….

I rattled on a little more telling him he should sort out his problems with his girlfriend because it is important. I haven’t heard from him since but am aware he has looked again at my profile on the website and re-visits our WhatsApp conversations (as I do too) but he is trying to do the right thing and break himself of the habit of contacting me.  I am proud of him (even though I know I’ll miss his messages) as I know he was hooked and if things had gone on I was in for some heartache too.

I still chat almost daily to my young friend in Africa whom I met when I first joined site 4. I seem to friends with his whole family now and I do keep a lonely young man company when he needs it sometimes. He lives in a major city but his mother lives in a village, some miles away. He calls me Mommy too and I’ve spoken to his real Mum and she is happy that I take an interest in him. It is a two way street because I have learned a lot about the way of life in his country for an ordinary person. If I ever manage to visit, which I hope I shall do one day, I won’t just get the tourist view.ugandan-flag-graphic

Well some like my blog and for others it’s a turn off –  better to be honest and find out early. This younger gent who might have been prepared to drive quite a distance to meet is obviously of the latter variety but it is good for me to have both points of view and that keeps my feet on the ground. This after sending a link to blog and a day’s silence from him:

So have I turned you off? If so quite understand. Just like to know.

Why do you want to tell strangers about your sex life? X

Not sex life exactly more dating journey. It’s cathartic to write and gives me a buzz that people I don’t know, in different countries even, enjoy reading it. I don’t think it’s smutty, just a little naughty here and there. Several women have told me they can identify with it. Some men like it, others don’t. That’s why I’m now upfront about it. Better they know from the start than I spring it later.

Well if you’re not really serious about finding someone then it’s up to you but it will turn a few men off and might send out a message you’re a bit of a time waster x

Ok thanks for the honest comment. Good luck in your search! Xx

So that’s told me! It might give the perception that I’m a time waster but actually think I waste less of other peoples’ time by sifting before I meet than raising hopes if I have no intention of following through. If informing them via the blog tells them how I do it, isn’t that just being honest?

Am getting bored with site 4 so have hidden my profile there for now. Actually went through the registration process of 3 more sites in one evening, filling out profiles etc. only to find their ‘free version’ is as useless as the first 3 sites I was on so deleted them straight away. At least I am more knowledgeable now as to what is worth paying for (for me) and what is not. No dates imminent but 2 booked in the coming fortnight and no shortage of chat so that will have to do me for now.

Month 7 (Part 2) – A funny (peculiar) old week

Things sometimes happen so fast in this game that even I have trouble keeping up. Barely had I posted my previous blog when I found out (because I asked whether I had upset him) that one of my two gents living in London is suddenly no longer interested. What a sudden turnabout. It is either because I gave him a link to this blog or because I touched a nerve with a question – but he had said I could ask anything! I’m sorry as he seemed really nice but it can’t be helped and I will just move on having wished him luck for his future dating. A couple of days later the other London guy deleted his profile but as I had him on WhatsApp too, I asked if he wanted me to delete those details too. He just said he was not well at the moment and decided to take a break. He didn’t ask me to delete so I’ve kept them and he can contact me if and when he is ready. The fellow from the market town I seem to have jinxed stayed in touch though and although he later deleted his profile, has my contact details and I believe will stay in touch.

I arranged to meet D (50) from Charing for a cup of tea which was interesting as he too has stories to tell. He happened to be in a neighbouring town for a training and we took advantage of the proximity to my home to meet. cup of teaDaytime meets always feel a bit less like a date to me and more just a chat but it’s fine for deciding whether there is any chemistry there or not. We talked about several subjects apart from dating such as spirituality which made a welcome change. We did have a bit of a kiss and cuddle in the car after but it’s a bit inhibiting in daylight. However, we both enjoyed each other’s company and agreed to meet next time for a ‘proper date’.

More interest from various quarters but difficult in the early stages to see if it will lead anywhere, especially if there are distances to travel but time will tell. R (51) from Newington with whom I had a nice if rather brief date last week (mentioned in previous blog) had planned a surprise second date with me next week – think it was to stretch over a day and evening but haven’t been told the details yet – has just been told he has to work all week when he thought he would have time off. As I shall be doing temporary work for the following 6 weeks or so, it seems the kibosh is on that! Maybe we can still fit in a coffee or a drink somewhere but it is a bit disappointing. I could do with someone planning something a bit exciting!

It’s a funny old [dating] world, a day or so after writing the previous paragraph, 3 things happened to give me a lift in unexpected ways:

G (43) from Worthing said he would try and organise a meet in the next few days – surely it’s got to work sometime? (It didn’t!).

I had an early morning sexting conversation with a friend in the Midlands but then couldn’t get back on the website – I know it’s possible to be thrown off these sites and they are monitored to some degree but have never been banned from anywhere in my life! Surely I’m not that bad!! The guy I was talking to also couldn’t access it which made it worse but suggested the site might have crashed, time will tell but I’m not worried, just amused. (Later found site had crashed but shows I had a guilty conscience!)

A lady who writes a blog I’m following who sex-chats professionally is now following this blog, I’m flattered she’s interested or maybe she’s just being kind.

Just got a really odd message, this is how it started: Forgive me for emailing you out of the blue today. I don’t know how to say this but my good friend seems to like your profile and what you wrote about yourself .He is not on the dating site, i was talking him into online dating & while taking him through the process i decided to show him how to search single ladies on [site 5] so apparently your profile came up in our search criteria and he was really intrigued by your profile. His name is [PH] 59 yrs caucasian white he’s currently living in Rotherham, UK and you are the only woman that caught his attention and he compliments your pretty photo and lovely profile. It will be nice to have a chat with, well i am not trying to paint him good but from his interest I think you might want to connect with him. I think you could give this try.  It went on in this vein for more than twice the length of the extract posted above and gave me the friend’s e-mail and phone number. If the guy lives in Rotherham it hardly seems a viable potential relationship anyway and I said so.  However I said if he wanted to e-mail me, he could, providing when he does so, he includes a photo and tells me a bit about himself. I shall wait with baited breath!

Had a date at short notice with A (55) of Westgate on Sea. He’s a foreign national and was very nervous as his English is not brilliant but he is very sweet and, even better, trained as a masseur in his home country –tempting! I expect we will meet again some time.

Had a second date with him a week later but followed the same pattern. I don’t think it can go anywhere but he is a good kisser!

Next day I sent a message saying that due to language difficulties, I couldn’t see a relationship developing but if he fancied more of the same from time to time till one of us formed an attachment, then I was willing and he understands and agrees. Feel better for that.

PS Guy in Rotherham never made contact and his friend who wrote to me must have blocked me as all the conversations have disappeared. Very peculiar!

Month 6 (Part 3) “Once more unto the breach” and all that.

Well holidays are over but Easter is not quite here. I had intended staying off all sites until Easter had passed but one person changed my mind. Having told all the guys I was previously chatting to that I was taking a break and there was to be an embargo on chatting to men whilst I was away, all respected that except one, Naughty Boy, M of London. He sent me occasional messages on WhatsApp which, although I ticked him off, I was quite pleased to receive. After I got home again, he stepped up the pressure a little. Then after a few days, late one evening when he knew I was on my own, said that he was going to catch a train down now. I didn’t believe him at first but he said he was looking up train times and getting dressed. It put me in a real tiz as I’d had a drink or two. I said, “What about getting to work in the morning?” He said he’d take a sickie and spend the day in bed with me. I started thinking oh dear, I need to change the bed sheets……. He was of course, only joking but in doing so he’d made me reveal my hand that I wouldn’t have left him standing on the station alone, I’d have brought him home and probably let him seduce me. Mental note to self: Never play poker!    Poker hand

Next day I felt very unsettled and was aware I was in danger of falling for this man who should be ‘out of bounds’ to me. I texted and told him I was going back on the websites to dilute his influence and why and he agreed that would be a good idea. The last thing we needed was to complicate the situation further so later that day I re-instated my profile on both sites, was greeted back by several old friends who had missed me and got a flurry of new interest.

Two people who were new but relatively local arranged dates which would have been before Easter. One postponed because he had to wait for a delivery which was late and the other either removed his profile or blocked me. Either way I thought it most rude so he’s joined others in the Reject file. He seemed really nice and genuine but there you go, I’m philosophical about these things, I will have had a well-behaved Lenten period without trying!

Because I was asked how many men I had dated since I started on this journey, I decided to have a bit of an audit, possible because of my files and the conversations I still keep as current. Since I started and ignoring conversations that have less than about 4 exchanges back and forth but including scammers, I have had/am having conversations with nearly 100 men but I have only met with 8 in person. I don’t think that sounds outrageous even if some of the non meets were a tad disappointing.

One ‘old friend’ who had previously been living on the wrong side of the Dartford Crossing for dating convenience has now moved nearer and is living with his father so I have agreed to meet him after Easter and another 2 new acquaintances who seem very nice have also asked for a date so there is still life. I’ve now been at this for 6 months, have I got anything to show for it? Well it’s probably taken more time than it should but I don’t regret that. I have learned a lot, feel more self-confident, dress in a more modern and flattering way and I’ve enjoyed writing a blog so all in all, I think it has been a worthwhile experience. Now I have got better (but obviously not perfect) at separating the wheat from the chaff, maybe the next 6 months will bring me a nice result. We’ll see.

Month 6 (Part 2) Reflection or Action?

I almost felt I was having withdrawal symptoms not checking for messages on the websites for a few days. I couldn’t receive them anyway from site 4 without reactivating my profile and I didn’t want to do that, but was pleased that two guys who had talked to me quite a lot a few weeks ago sent messages through, one just commented how he liked the latest picture I’d posted and that worried me in case my profile was not hidden. I checked and think it is, maybe it was just a slow reaction from him. The other was from one who had seemed really keen then seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth when I agreed to meet him. He apologised and said he was working in India for a few weeks but he’d still like to meet. I was quite pleased to hear from him but played it cool and suggested he contact me when he returns and we’d see how both of us felt at that point.

Another even more welcome string of messages came from R from Woodstock, mentioned in the blog before last. We had had a very nice first date and I thought there was some chemistry there. He obviously felt so too but was sorry but it didn’t look as though work was going to bring him my way in the coming week. I had already agreed a lunch time meet with S (60) from Folkestone the following Friday so I wasn’t completely going ‘cold turkey’ but although he seemed really quite keen, after all my handsome younger men’s attention, it did seem a bit tame. In spite of his profile saying ‘only looking for friendship and daytime meets’ I got the feeling he was hoping for more, maybe partly my fault as we’d had a few slightly flirty conversations and I did apologise in advance if I had been giving out the wrong signals. My safety net was the fact that we are both Christians and whilst he is separated, he is not divorced from his wife so if he is looking for more, I can with conviction say that I won’t be an adulterer and I trust he will concur.

Whilst mulling over this, a message comes through on KIK from G of Worthing, also mentioned in the blog before last. The astute reader may remember that I was due to meet him for a first date and I got laryngitis then we possibly rescheduled for the end of that week and also the evening that R of Woodstock met me but he was dealing with a family crisis. We very quickly rekindled the friendship that had formed and I agreed to meet him on the coming Thursday evening. I went from having a ‘sabbatical’ to two first dates in 2 days in the blink of an eye!

The best laid plans…… and all that! G had to postpone again due to an unexpected work commitment, this was our third postponement, once by me and twice by him. I’m sure we will meet up sometime but it is frustrating! I guess it’s one of the issues of dating (or not) men in their forties, almost at the peak of their careers.

The meet with S did go ahead, we had a coffee and a ‘chat’ in the car. We seemed to get onCoffee ok and agreed to meet for occasional afternoons or days out when his shifts allowed. However, I did feel decidedly underwhelmed. He sent me several nice messages that afternoon and evening and had been keeping in touch daily. I felt increasingly anxious over a promised video chat with him the following Monday. During the week-end I had advice I actually knew but somehow I needed someone else to articulate it before I could really take it on board. My son told me that if I was not keen, the longer I put off telling him the harder it would be and my friend separately told me that I’m not a charity and if I’m not happy to put an end to it now.

I went ahead with the video chat but he was obviously hoping for more than I was willing to give, even if not a full sexual relationship. I finished the chat as was late for an appointment but when I got back sent, what I thought, was a kind message saying I didn’t think we were suited, explaining why and apologising. I said I wouldn’t talk on WhatsApp any more but when I was back from holiday, if back on the website, said I would talk again if he wished. He messaged back saying he’d been thinking the same and not to contact him again as I’d had my chance! I find it much easier to cope with that reaction than someone pleading to stay in touch. Only felt a sense of relief – must have been the right thing to do. Had messages from G (Worthing) and R (Woodstock) as well as my daily one or more from M (London) so more than happy. Hols fast approaching and busy week ahead so guess no more dating till I return.

Post script: G and I had our first voice call. Funny, just as one makes a picture in one’s mind without a photo to go on, his voice came as a surprise but not a bad one. We had agreed we would have one last ditch attempt at a ‘first meet’ before my holiday as he was leaving on his as I return and we were both keen but as I had a previous engagement would not be able to get to our agreed meeting place till 8.30.  Once again, come the day, it was not to be. He had a 5am start the following morning and would have a 2 hour drive home after we parted. Maybe we are just not destined to meet, pity!

PPS: R has removed his profile from the website and as this was my only means of contacting him, that also looks bleak. He does have my contact details if he is interested enough but I suspect I won’t hear again from him, Hmmph!!

Month 6 (Part 1) Taking a break

Well it’s approaching Easter, a period of reflection and contemplation and I feel I need to do this. Also as will be away for a week shortly, it seemed a good time to take a break from both dating sites. I contacted those I was already talking to explaining I was taking a break, most had other means of contacting me, but those who didn’t could contact me via the site (on site 5) or would have to catch up later on site 4. I’d intended to do this at the week-end but a last minute contact changed my plans.easter-lily-8087007

A (46) of Broadstairs contacted me saying it was his first day on the site and he’d made up his mind that I was his favourite by a big margin. Would I meet with him (same evening if possible but it wasn’t). Anyway I needed time to check him out but he is extremely good looking and sounded lovely. I am not going into all the long exchanges but eventually, having agreed to meet the next evening, he said he works 7 days a week and could only spare half an hour but wanted to “get the first date out of the way so I could have my wicked way with him”. I said if he was that busy, there wouldn’t be much of a social life which is what I was hoping to get from the relationship. There were sharp exchanges back and forth, he obviously thinks he would be irresistible and that should be enough for me. We agreed to forget it. I don’t know why I was so upset. Before he made contact I was very happy with my lot with 3 or 4 nice young men seemingly interested and I needed to meet others for coffee who I thought were probably not a match but they seemed keen. After today’s exchange I was really upset and I am not quite sure why it affected me so badly. I hid my profile on the two websites I was on straight away and sobbed. Poor M from London mentioned in last post contacted me as he often does in the evening and got the brunt of my rant against men who only want me for sex and how it feels like being a prostitute without the financial reward. He did his best to comfort me from a distance but the irony was not lost on either of us that the cap also fitted him!

In some ways I feel ungrateful, as I am sure many women of my age and size would be only too grateful to have lots of very attractive younger men anxious to take them to bed and in many ways I am grateful, it is good for my self-esteem but equally, I have never been so anxious for a physical relationship that I would throw over all my feelings and principles. I feel in this dating situation, it is my only bargaining chip to get the sort of relationship I am seeking, even if it will not be long-lasting.

As I was in ‘tidying-up mode’ I also contacted my older friend A of Canterbury, told him I was coming off all websites for the time being (not that it affected him as he is only on ones I am no longer on). I said March was becoming as manic timewise as I had thought it would be (with non-dating activities) and maybe we would be able to catch up in April. He sent a nice little e-mail back wishing me luck and saying he is dating – great! I do wish him well but still think our paths are likely to cross again. We’ll see. Well looks as though my period of Lent won’t have as much temptation put in my way as I’d thought. Perhaps it’s just as well.

M contacted me next morning to check I was ok, which was nice of him, he left it till mid-morning and I had got rid of the aggression I was feeling at the gym. He had had the sense to try and interest me in neither a late night nor early morning conversation as has become a sort of habit recently. I did thank him nicely for being a friend and a listening ear when I needed it. Poor bloke didn’t get much option!

Several guys contacted me wondering why I was coming off site but I just said I needed a break ‘to consolidate’ and anyway as I would be going away, it seemed sensible. I guess I’ll try and catch up with some of the guys whom I hadn’t fitted in for a coffee yet. No problem with that. A man who had previously stood me up twice, albeit with excuses, decided he’d wait till the queue had gone down and said he was only interested in being ‘friends with benefits’ which is not what he’d said originally. He’d chosen the wrong day for a sympathetic response!

Month 4 (Part 3) The search continues

J (58) from Birmingham, mentioned in the last blog contacted me again and said could we have another phone conversation continuing the ‘counselling session’ re the boy in the swimming baths etc. I was going to be on my own that evening so I agreed and he said he would send me some pictures that would help ‘make me feel horny’ so I would be ready for our phone call. He asked what would turn me on and I honestly didn’t know. He tried me out with gay and lesbian porn of various sorts and whilst some of it was fascinating in a disbelieving sort of way I had to admit that none of it excited me at all and I deleted it. He said I’d need to ask questions that would force him to tell stuff about the incidents at school etc. and I tried to formulate some questions but my heart wasn’t in it. The last straw came when he said he wouldn’t be ready for the phone call for a couple of hours. I said that whilst I was on my own now, I might not be in a couple of hours. He was not a happy bunny.  I said that this stuff is just not me and he should look for someone else and he agreed to call it a day saying if I knew someone else who would like to play, would I put them in touch? (Any of my readers like contact details??). Pity about the massage though, that’s both my potential masseurs in the reject file! I’m obviously just a ‘vanilla sex’ sort of girl.

J (64) in Ulster knows he’s in an impossible situation. There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell we’re going to meet for a coffee and a chat but he pleaded to just be able to talk on line for a while. Even that was a struggle as every line of conversation I tried to open was answered with just one or two words. There was no photo at first but when I protested, he did post one up long enough for me to copy it and then took it down again. It seems he’s afraid his ‘date from hell’ will see it. I did say he could block her but he’s really worried about her and it’s a shame as he has little chance with the profile he’s got and no picture. He looks very friendly and I do feel sorry for him as he’s out on a limb. However, I told him that trying to hold a conversation with him was like stirring treacle. I said we’d try again and gave him another opening lead and he was obviously trying harder. He started to relax a bit over the following days but then, because I was sometimes multi-tasking when chatting with him so slow in responding, he started to go all shy again. I feel bad because he’s said some really lovely things to me but it’s really a waste of time for both of us. However, we are still in touch occasionally.

I got a surprise e-mail from A of Canterbury with whom I’d had the best first date with thus far, asking if I fancied another kiss and cuddle. I barely hesitated. At first the plan was that we’d go out for dinner but as it was glass-of-red-winethe Saturday before St. Valentine’s day and it was short notice, restaurants were busy. The plan changed and he said if I wanted to go to his home, he’d cook a meal and we could watch a film. I thought about it carefully as I realised I would be in a more vulnerable position but decided to throw caution to the wind and go and enjoy the evening, but did insist on driving my own car there (he’d offered to pick me up) and I put safety measures in place in case I got out of my depth and needed an excuse to get away. I am pleased to report that the meal was lovely (indeed he also has a beautiful house) however, I didn’t quite see all of ‘A Street Cat Named Bob’ due to our having quite a passionate cuddle.

I was due to meet P (74 ) of Bexhill who was going to travel to Ashford by train and again I said I’d meet him at the station and we’d have coffee locally. This time we had a phone call first so I didn’t have the same problem as the previous week with S of Shoeburyness. I’d always had reservations about the geographical distance between us and a few days before we were due to meet, he obviously also had the same reservations. He messaged and apologised profusely for letting me down but said he just didn’t think any sort of relationship was viable due to distances and I quite agreed and was a bit grateful he’d called off.

That said, I would have had two more first meets that week but had to cancel one as I had to wait in for an engineer to fix my boiler but as he is local, it was no problem. I did, however, meet at relatively short notice with R (63) from Dover. Meeting in a popular hostelry roughly equidistant between us for a coffee, we chatted easily but although each thought the other really nice, we were quite frank about what we hoped to get out of a relationship and decided that we had quite different agendas so one more profile ended up in the ‘reject file’. Perhaps it was time to meet up with some of my younger suiters or would they back off once offered an actual date?