Month 8 (Part 3) Nearing the end of the journey

I feel slightly in a state of limbo, excited but a little nervous about the week-end ahead when I hope to meet the gent who has made me this tempting offer and how it might be pivotal to my future life, yet, at the same time, a bit irritated because a lot of fellows I am hoping to meet up with are unable to find the time or source a suitable venue or whatever just when I am ready to move forward. How very dare they not be available at the click of my fingers! I think my Domme personality is beginning to raise its head but not necessarily with the right people, though having read the blog, two or three men have offered to let me take charge!  I have hidden my profile on both dating sites again till things sort themselves out. I have plenty of contacts for now and will see how things go. Some go back almost to the start of my dating journey though we haven’t met yet but they are obviously still interested so I won’t be greedy and encourage more!

Research is still continuing into D/s relationships and how they work and I’m even watching occasional porn clips which I would have been appalled at watching a few months ago. How my boundaries have moved! Even now, I can’t say I enjoy porn but am more interested from a technical point of view.

I think also maybe my blog has run its course. It was never meant to be about my sex life but about my dating journey and whether next week-end’s meeting, assuming it goes ahead, is successful or not, and whether I finally decide to follow that course with my life, I can certainly say I have had the most mind-blowing journey and I’ve enjoyed sharing it. I have also been gratified by the comments and messages of support I’ve received from interested readers. I never thought it would have the wider appeal it seems to have gathered en route. Who knows, maybe I’ll find something else to blog about? I shall certainly write for at least one more week as I 69think some regular  followers may be interested but I’ll see after that. I’m not sure where the journey could now take me and I don’t want it to become boring. It was my birthday a few days ago, I am now 69 which has been commented that it’s an interesting number to be, maybe that’s why it is time to stop writing and start living more.

Month 8 (part 2) Domme training!

Well who’d have thought it? I, the archetypal ‘vanilla sex’ girl, is considering becoming a Domme to a very nice man if we get on well enough when we meet. Although my earlier reading has made me more knowledgeable about the world of BDSM, I didn’t really think I would be considering making this my future sex life! Not sure all my other potential dates would like to see me that way either, I guess, but shall certainly carry on dating till decisions are made and if it does work out, some may be happy to be ‘Friends with Benefits’ as it seems that is allowed in my new role.

If I do agree to go that route, I will embrace it to the best of my ability, hence, once again DommeI am reading avidly books and recommended websites. It actually all sounds pretty awesome! I am aware I’ve always been a bit on the bossy side, a natural organiser and leader but never visualised myself as a Domme. Thank goodness he says I don’t have to dress in leather and wield a whip! I’ll try and keep an open mind but am becoming more and more attracted to the idea the more I talk to him about it. I also need to be very sure that I am making any commitment for the right reasons, there is a lot to consider, not least my Christian faith, which is important to me. Have even discussed the possibility with my vicar, all a bit distressing but heard nothing I wasn’t expecting. However, I am still trying to square the circle and don’t need to make decisions yet.

Meanwhile other dating chats continue. R (67) of Twickenham hadn’t taken offence at my blog at all, he’d just been poorly so not in touch. We postponed our date till he is fully recovered and I am less busy. M (42) of London has also been back in touch. It seems he just can stay away and just as I blogged how proud of him I was for giving me up!!

R of Twickenham is, by his own admission becoming RR (Randy R…). There are frequent chats and video calls, I seem to be taking daily selfies for him – and others – and I hate being in photos at the best of times but then it seems I am becoming a new woman so perhaps that is why I am taking it in my stride.

I will also not put up with guys who only know me slightly through chat and / or one meeting, telling me what I should or should not be doing with my sex life. I put my point of view but if they don’t accept it then I can’t be bothered with them. Luckily I am fortunate to have options and will make my own mind up what I will or won’t do in my own time and my own way so G of Chelmsford (who thinks I’m greener than Kermit) and D of Charing have joined others in the reject file

I thought I was actually going to get a massage this week from A (55) from Westgate but we need somewhere discreet and he wasn’t available mid-week on an evening when I was free and he can’t afford the price of a hotel room at week-end rates and I’m sure not paying for it so that will stay in abeyance for now.

Very much looking forward to a meeting, hopefully next week, with S (60) of Wisbech and maybe R of Twickenham soon too so hope springs eternal.

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Month 4 (Part 3) The search continues

J (58) from Birmingham, mentioned in the last blog contacted me again and said could we have another phone conversation continuing the ‘counselling session’ re the boy in the swimming baths etc. I was going to be on my own that evening so I agreed and he said he would send me some pictures that would help ‘make me feel horny’ so I would be ready for our phone call. He asked what would turn me on and I honestly didn’t know. He tried me out with gay and lesbian porn of various sorts and whilst some of it was fascinating in a disbelieving sort of way I had to admit that none of it excited me at all and I deleted it. He said I’d need to ask questions that would force him to tell stuff about the incidents at school etc. and I tried to formulate some questions but my heart wasn’t in it. The last straw came when he said he wouldn’t be ready for the phone call for a couple of hours. I said that whilst I was on my own now, I might not be in a couple of hours. He was not a happy bunny.  I said that this stuff is just not me and he should look for someone else and he agreed to call it a day saying if I knew someone else who would like to play, would I put them in touch? (Any of my readers like contact details??). Pity about the massage though, that’s both my potential masseurs in the reject file! I’m obviously just a ‘vanilla sex’ sort of girl.

J (64) in Ulster knows he’s in an impossible situation. There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell we’re going to meet for a coffee and a chat but he pleaded to just be able to talk on line for a while. Even that was a struggle as every line of conversation I tried to open was answered with just one or two words. There was no photo at first but when I protested, he did post one up long enough for me to copy it and then took it down again. It seems he’s afraid his ‘date from hell’ will see it. I did say he could block her but he’s really worried about her and it’s a shame as he has little chance with the profile he’s got and no picture. He looks very friendly and I do feel sorry for him as he’s out on a limb. However, I told him that trying to hold a conversation with him was like stirring treacle. I said we’d try again and gave him another opening lead and he was obviously trying harder. He started to relax a bit over the following days but then, because I was sometimes multi-tasking when chatting with him so slow in responding, he started to go all shy again. I feel bad because he’s said some really lovely things to me but it’s really a waste of time for both of us. However, we are still in touch occasionally.

I got a surprise e-mail from A of Canterbury with whom I’d had the best first date with thus far, asking if I fancied another kiss and cuddle. I barely hesitated. At first the plan was that we’d go out for dinner but as it was glass-of-red-winethe Saturday before St. Valentine’s day and it was short notice, restaurants were busy. The plan changed and he said if I wanted to go to his home, he’d cook a meal and we could watch a film. I thought about it carefully as I realised I would be in a more vulnerable position but decided to throw caution to the wind and go and enjoy the evening, but did insist on driving my own car there (he’d offered to pick me up) and I put safety measures in place in case I got out of my depth and needed an excuse to get away. I am pleased to report that the meal was lovely (indeed he also has a beautiful house) however, I didn’t quite see all of ‘A Street Cat Named Bob’ due to our having quite a passionate cuddle.

I was due to meet P (74 ) of Bexhill who was going to travel to Ashford by train and again I said I’d meet him at the station and we’d have coffee locally. This time we had a phone call first so I didn’t have the same problem as the previous week with S of Shoeburyness. I’d always had reservations about the geographical distance between us and a few days before we were due to meet, he obviously also had the same reservations. He messaged and apologised profusely for letting me down but said he just didn’t think any sort of relationship was viable due to distances and I quite agreed and was a bit grateful he’d called off.

That said, I would have had two more first meets that week but had to cancel one as I had to wait in for an engineer to fix my boiler but as he is local, it was no problem. I did, however, meet at relatively short notice with R (63) from Dover. Meeting in a popular hostelry roughly equidistant between us for a coffee, we chatted easily but although each thought the other really nice, we were quite frank about what we hoped to get out of a relationship and decided that we had quite different agendas so one more profile ended up in the ‘reject file’. Perhaps it was time to meet up with some of my younger suiters or would they back off once offered an actual date?

Month 4 (Part 2) BDSM discussions

I’ve always tried to be polite and respond to everyone who even just says ’Hello’. I can’t eschew a lifetime of courtesy! The disadvantage of this is it opens up conversations with men I am not interested in, even if I tell them that as kindly as possible from my first message. Some are more pushy than others but please, do look at the screen shot I post here, this after only 4 exchanges each way. He has two young boys of 6 and 3 (said his wife died in childbirth after the second which may or may not be true).2017-02-01-22-38-47 The man is unhinged, I tried blocking twice but didn’t work well from my phone, by which time he was asking where I live etc. There was success when my daughter tried from a laptop –she also reported him to the site on my behalf for threatening and frightening messages. Kind of her and she’s probably right but she needn’t be quite so protective, I love her for it though! I did think his message was an interesting, if not unique, chat-up line!

I had a very long and frank WhatsApp conversation with G of Chelmsford (53) in which we established, I think, we would get on quite well outside the bedroom but things started to go pear-shaped when I realised he not only has a shoe fetish (no problem with that) but that he is also really into aspects of BDSM though would not insist I partake if we were together. I actually got a bit upset at the end of the evening and said I felt stupid and weak.  There was a lot to think about and he said I wasn’t as open minded as I protested and that I should read 50 Shades of Grey for a start. (It so happened I had been lent all 4 volumes though it’s never been a book that had appealed to me but thus challenged I read all 4 over the following 2 weeks.)

He contacted me first thing the next day and asked if I was ok and we continued with a perfectly normal conversation then he said that he was so relieved as he had thought I was ‘going to bale’ after our conversation the night before. I said I had seriously considered it but I did like him and had decided I would be happy to stay in touch for the time being. He said he was very relieved.

It’s really odd, but less than a week later, I was also contacted by J of Birmingham (58). We started a normal chat and then he said could I act as his councillor over an incident when he was 14 with a boy in the changing room in swimming lessons. I said I’d listen but was no councillor but then I said ‘Are we playing a game here?’  I am not going into details, but the conversation changed from messaging to phone but all the time, I was slightly out of my depth and not sure what was real and what was pretend. I had said this was a one off and when I was talking to him I was thinking ‘I’ll block him after this conversation’. However, we actually had a really long and interesting chat about BDSM and all sorts of ‘deviations’. He said the incident in the changing room was absolutely true. He has been a long time practitioner of BDSM and said that many people who practice it do so in an abusive way and that many got their ideas from films like 50 Shades! I said I hadn’t seen the films but was at present reading the books. Anyway, the upshot of the conversation was that I was aware that he is a highly intelligent man and I’m not as appalled as I thought I might be by some of the ideas he has planted. I’ve actually not blocked him nor deleted his number from my phone – especially as he says he’s a good masseur (G of Chelmsford claims this too, does it go with the territory?). Gosh! What is happening to me?

Date number 4 was with S (62) from Shoeburyness. He travelled by train and I met him at the station in a nearby town. I knew he was really eager before we met, he is keen on travel and some of the other interests I had listed but I knew within a minute of meeting him that I was going to struggle with this date. A good friend who has already successfully completed this process warned me at the outset that she never met anyone she hadn’t spoken to on the phone. I should have listened. As soon as he spoke I knew he wasn’t for me. He said he didn’t drink alcohol so I said ‘I drink like a fish’ (a slight exaggeration but true on occasions) but it didn’t put him off. However he had travelled a long way and I felt I at least owed him the date he had come down for and that he got but I did tell him early on that, for me, there was no spark. He soldiered on still hoping against hope I would change my mind. He was really smitten with me, which made it harder. In his head we were lovers who would be going on lovely holidays. The places in which he thought he would like to make love with me at least showed a bit of imagination! Cheeky devil even admitted that he had hoped to persuade me to go to a hotel with him that night. I told him that even if he’d been the bee’s knees he wouldn’t have succeeded in that!

I tried to let him down lightly but I hate hurting peoples’ feelings. He asked ‘Could we remain friends with benefits?’ but I said there would still have to be a spark for that, then could we just remain friends and he would come and see me whenever I wasn’t busy? He thought I might change my mind on reflection but I won’t. Gosh, I hate this part of the process. I agreed to remain friends for the time being but only if he kept searching for someone else. He sent several very explicit messages that evening to which I didn’t respond. I thought about it overnight and decided to put an end to it for his sake and mine and messaged him to that effect next morning but wishing him luck.

Post Script:  G of Chelmsford has gone back to his ex-girlfriend but said as I was a nice honest lady he didn’t mind if we kept in touch. I responded that it wouldn’t be fair on his girlfriend so to delete our conversations but keep my mob. details if he wished. I said I would not message him again unless he made contact first and wished him well, hoping that his relationship would really work for him and I meant it. However that means in one day my shortlist diminished by 2. Luckily there are several in the wings waiting to move up and new contacts most days. This is definitely a numbers game and the only way I can deal with it is to be a bit methodical. Sounds cold but I think if in any other way I won’t know which way to turn. I fixed a date for the following week with P (73) of Bexhill. Decided I’d deal with the oldest contender first before venturing out with some of the very attractive younger men who seem to genuinely want to date though obviously not looking for a long term relationship. One of those who lives relatively close has just said he’d like to meet so hope springs eternal!