Month 6 (Part 3) “Once more unto the breach” and all that.

Well holidays are over but Easter is not quite here. I had intended staying off all sites until Easter had passed but one person changed my mind. Having told all the guys I was previously chatting to that I was taking a break and there was to be an embargo on chatting to men whilst I was away, all respected that except one, Naughty Boy, M of London. He sent me occasional messages on WhatsApp which, although I ticked him off, I was quite pleased to receive. After I got home again, he stepped up the pressure a little. Then after a few days, late one evening when he knew I was on my own, said that he was going to catch a train down now. I didn’t believe him at first but he said he was looking up train times and getting dressed. It put me in a real tiz as I’d had a drink or two. I said, “What about getting to work in the morning?” He said he’d take a sickie and spend the day in bed with me. I started thinking oh dear, I need to change the bed sheets……. He was of course, only joking but in doing so he’d made me reveal my hand that I wouldn’t have left him standing on the station alone, I’d have brought him home and probably let him seduce me. Mental note to self: Never play poker!    Poker hand

Next day I felt very unsettled and was aware I was in danger of falling for this man who should be ‘out of bounds’ to me. I texted and told him I was going back on the websites to dilute his influence and why and he agreed that would be a good idea. The last thing we needed was to complicate the situation further so later that day I re-instated my profile on both sites, was greeted back by several old friends who had missed me and got a flurry of new interest.

Two people who were new but relatively local arranged dates which would have been before Easter. One postponed because he had to wait for a delivery which was late and the other either removed his profile or blocked me. Either way I thought it most rude so he’s joined others in the Reject file. He seemed really nice and genuine but there you go, I’m philosophical about these things, I will have had a well-behaved Lenten period without trying!

Because I was asked how many men I had dated since I started on this journey, I decided to have a bit of an audit, possible because of my files and the conversations I still keep as current. Since I started and ignoring conversations that have less than about 4 exchanges back and forth but including scammers, I have had/am having conversations with nearly 100 men but I have only met with 8 in person. I don’t think that sounds outrageous even if some of the non meets were a tad disappointing.

One ‘old friend’ who had previously been living on the wrong side of the Dartford Crossing for dating convenience has now moved nearer and is living with his father so I have agreed to meet him after Easter and another 2 new acquaintances who seem very nice have also asked for a date so there is still life. I’ve now been at this for 6 months, have I got anything to show for it? Well it’s probably taken more time than it should but I don’t regret that. I have learned a lot, feel more self-confident, dress in a more modern and flattering way and I’ve enjoyed writing a blog so all in all, I think it has been a worthwhile experience. Now I have got better (but obviously not perfect) at separating the wheat from the chaff, maybe the next 6 months will bring me a nice result. We’ll see.

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Month 6 (Part 2) Reflection or Action?

I almost felt I was having withdrawal symptoms not checking for messages on the websites for a few days. I couldn’t receive them anyway from site 4 without reactivating my profile and I didn’t want to do that, but was pleased that two guys who had talked to me quite a lot a few weeks ago sent messages through, one just commented how he liked the latest picture I’d posted and that worried me in case my profile was not hidden. I checked and think it is, maybe it was just a slow reaction from him. The other was from one who had seemed really keen then seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth when I agreed to meet him. He apologised and said he was working in India for a few weeks but he’d still like to meet. I was quite pleased to hear from him but played it cool and suggested he contact me when he returns and we’d see how both of us felt at that point.

Another even more welcome string of messages came from R from Woodstock, mentioned in the blog before last. We had had a very nice first date and I thought there was some chemistry there. He obviously felt so too but was sorry but it didn’t look as though work was going to bring him my way in the coming week. I had already agreed a lunch time meet with S (60) from Folkestone the following Friday so I wasn’t completely going ‘cold turkey’ but although he seemed really quite keen, after all my handsome younger men’s attention, it did seem a bit tame. In spite of his profile saying ‘only looking for friendship and daytime meets’ I got the feeling he was hoping for more, maybe partly my fault as we’d had a few slightly flirty conversations and I did apologise in advance if I had been giving out the wrong signals. My safety net was the fact that we are both Christians and whilst he is separated, he is not divorced from his wife so if he is looking for more, I can with conviction say that I won’t be an adulterer and I trust he will concur.

Whilst mulling over this, a message comes through on KIK from G of Worthing, also mentioned in the blog before last. The astute reader may remember that I was due to meet him for a first date and I got laryngitis then we possibly rescheduled for the end of that week and also the evening that R of Woodstock met me but he was dealing with a family crisis. We very quickly rekindled the friendship that had formed and I agreed to meet him on the coming Thursday evening. I went from having a ‘sabbatical’ to two first dates in 2 days in the blink of an eye!

The best laid plans…… and all that! G had to postpone again due to an unexpected work commitment, this was our third postponement, once by me and twice by him. I’m sure we will meet up sometime but it is frustrating! I guess it’s one of the issues of dating (or not) men in their forties, almost at the peak of their careers.

The meet with S did go ahead, we had a coffee and a ‘chat’ in the car. We seemed to get onCoffee ok and agreed to meet for occasional afternoons or days out when his shifts allowed. However, I did feel decidedly underwhelmed. He sent me several nice messages that afternoon and evening and had been keeping in touch daily. I felt increasingly anxious over a promised video chat with him the following Monday. During the week-end I had advice I actually knew but somehow I needed someone else to articulate it before I could really take it on board. My son told me that if I was not keen, the longer I put off telling him the harder it would be and my friend separately told me that I’m not a charity and if I’m not happy to put an end to it now.

I went ahead with the video chat but he was obviously hoping for more than I was willing to give, even if not a full sexual relationship. I finished the chat as was late for an appointment but when I got back sent, what I thought, was a kind message saying I didn’t think we were suited, explaining why and apologising. I said I wouldn’t talk on WhatsApp any more but when I was back from holiday, if back on the website, said I would talk again if he wished. He messaged back saying he’d been thinking the same and not to contact him again as I’d had my chance! I find it much easier to cope with that reaction than someone pleading to stay in touch. Only felt a sense of relief – must have been the right thing to do. Had messages from G (Worthing) and R (Woodstock) as well as my daily one or more from M (London) so more than happy. Hols fast approaching and busy week ahead so guess no more dating till I return.

Post script: G and I had our first voice call. Funny, just as one makes a picture in one’s mind without a photo to go on, his voice came as a surprise but not a bad one. We had agreed we would have one last ditch attempt at a ‘first meet’ before my holiday as he was leaving on his as I return and we were both keen but as I had a previous engagement would not be able to get to our agreed meeting place till 8.30.  Once again, come the day, it was not to be. He had a 5am start the following morning and would have a 2 hour drive home after we parted. Maybe we are just not destined to meet, pity!

PPS: R has removed his profile from the website and as this was my only means of contacting him, that also looks bleak. He does have my contact details if he is interested enough but I suspect I won’t hear again from him, Hmmph!!

Month 6 (Part 1) Taking a break

Well it’s approaching Easter, a period of reflection and contemplation and I feel I need to do this. Also as will be away for a week shortly, it seemed a good time to take a break from both dating sites. I contacted those I was already talking to explaining I was taking a break, most had other means of contacting me, but those who didn’t could contact me via the site (on site 5) or would have to catch up later on site 4. I’d intended to do this at the week-end but a last minute contact changed my plans.easter-lily-8087007

A (46) of Broadstairs contacted me saying it was his first day on the site and he’d made up his mind that I was his favourite by a big margin. Would I meet with him (same evening if possible but it wasn’t). Anyway I needed time to check him out but he is extremely good looking and sounded lovely. I am not going into all the long exchanges but eventually, having agreed to meet the next evening, he said he works 7 days a week and could only spare half an hour but wanted to “get the first date out of the way so I could have my wicked way with him”. I said if he was that busy, there wouldn’t be much of a social life which is what I was hoping to get from the relationship. There were sharp exchanges back and forth, he obviously thinks he would be irresistible and that should be enough for me. We agreed to forget it. I don’t know why I was so upset. Before he made contact I was very happy with my lot with 3 or 4 nice young men seemingly interested and I needed to meet others for coffee who I thought were probably not a match but they seemed keen. After today’s exchange I was really upset and I am not quite sure why it affected me so badly. I hid my profile on the two websites I was on straight away and sobbed. Poor M from London mentioned in last post contacted me as he often does in the evening and got the brunt of my rant against men who only want me for sex and how it feels like being a prostitute without the financial reward. He did his best to comfort me from a distance but the irony was not lost on either of us that the cap also fitted him!

In some ways I feel ungrateful, as I am sure many women of my age and size would be only too grateful to have lots of very attractive younger men anxious to take them to bed and in many ways I am grateful, it is good for my self-esteem but equally, I have never been so anxious for a physical relationship that I would throw over all my feelings and principles. I feel in this dating situation, it is my only bargaining chip to get the sort of relationship I am seeking, even if it will not be long-lasting.

As I was in ‘tidying-up mode’ I also contacted my older friend A of Canterbury, told him I was coming off all websites for the time being (not that it affected him as he is only on ones I am no longer on). I said March was becoming as manic timewise as I had thought it would be (with non-dating activities) and maybe we would be able to catch up in April. He sent a nice little e-mail back wishing me luck and saying he is dating – great! I do wish him well but still think our paths are likely to cross again. We’ll see. Well looks as though my period of Lent won’t have as much temptation put in my way as I’d thought. Perhaps it’s just as well.

M contacted me next morning to check I was ok, which was nice of him, he left it till mid-morning and I had got rid of the aggression I was feeling at the gym. He had had the sense to try and interest me in neither a late night nor early morning conversation as has become a sort of habit recently. I did thank him nicely for being a friend and a listening ear when I needed it. Poor bloke didn’t get much option!

Several guys contacted me wondering why I was coming off site but I just said I needed a break ‘to consolidate’ and anyway as I would be going away, it seemed sensible. I guess I’ll try and catch up with some of the guys whom I hadn’t fitted in for a coffee yet. No problem with that. A man who had previously stood me up twice, albeit with excuses, decided he’d wait till the queue had gone down and said he was only interested in being ‘friends with benefits’ which is not what he’d said originally. He’d chosen the wrong day for a sympathetic response!

Month 5 (Part 2) The Cougar is prowling!

G (43) of Worthing had been chatting with me for two or three weeks and we got on really well. He had been out with older women before and preferred their company and conversation. As I was talking to him and M of Fulham mentioned previously, during the same period, I was struggling to make up my mind which I preferred and decided I’d meet both. As M was a ‘no show’ as mentioned before, the field was open for G. Although we both decided that a first date where I couldn’t talk was a bit of a farce so decided to postpone, we were, I think, equally disappointed. We ended up texting on KIK most of the evening so it was almost like a remote first date! We both were really looking forward to Friday and had even made tentative plans if we got on ok then, we might meet again the following Monday. The problem was that the distance between us geographically was an issue and March was scheduled to be a very busy month for me away from the dating scene (how inconvenient!). Sadly a family crisis arose for G that week and we not only didn’t get to meet on the Friday but not the following Monday either. I didn’t feel rejected as I understand family come first.

Very luckily for me, out of the blue on that Sunday I was contacted by a very handsome young man, R(46) from Woodstock, yet another who had ‘made a mistake’ in his age on his profile! He asked whether the change of age was an issue and I said not at all, more of an issue was the distance between us geographically. He then told me he often worked in my area so it need not be an issue at all, so I said that the next time he was working my way to drop me a line. Then the bombshell, “Well actually I’m working there tomorrow, is that too short notice?”  I was aware that I had sort of promised that if he was available I would see G that evening and told R that, but I was definitely free in the afternoon and if I hadn’t heard from G could be free for the evening too. Well G didn’t make contact, I am sure he will eventually, but I met with R and we spent a very pleasant few hours in each other’s company though I think I did more chatting than him. We had a few drinks and dinner and a bit of a kiss and cuddle. We seemed to enjoy one another’s company and said we’d meet again. I hope we do.

Ham eggschips

Becoming a daily problem but actually a guilty pleasure is M (42) from London who sooo much wants to come down and is convinced he can seduce me and I won’t be able to resist. Trouble is, he could be right but as he has a girlfriend whom he says he cares for but just doesn’t give him enough sex that for me is a no-no. I’m not in the business of deceit but I have to say I do find him very attractive and whether he is lying or not, he certainly makes me feel desirable. Trouble is, also, I think the more I turn him down, the more determined he is to make me change my mind. I suppose I should block him but if I’m honest I actually enjoy our conversations, they make me feel sexy hence as I say, he’s my guilty pleasure. Thank goodness he doesn’t drive so would have to come down by train and I would have to meet him at the station. At least that’s a safety measure!! I suspect if I let him meet me, my rules about limits on activities on first dates would go right out of the window. Better I don’t let him near me! To add to my discomfort, he rang me early one morning and I sleepily answered it without realising it was a video call. He really is a naughty fellow. I suppose I shouldn’t have gone along with it but did anyway. Left me with a smile on my face but think he was a little late for work.