Month 5 (Part 1) Am I a cougar?

Is one considered a cougar if one hasn’t actually had sexual relations with a younger man? How much younger do they have to be to be thus branded? I seemed to have a raft of men in their 40’s and some even in their 30’s with whom I had quite lengthy conversations, sometimes stretching over several weeks. All said they were keen to meet even though I expressed doubts over the age difference but when I actually agreed to make a date, most backed off or disappeared from the website. I think that’s understandable and I can’t even say it’s been a waste of time, as I usually enjoy the banter whilst we are talking. One cheeky young cub (32) from London messaged me. The complete exchange is visible in this screenshot, you do have to give as good as you get when playing these gamesscreenshot-2

These are some of the younger guys I tried to meet up with, but obviously knowing that they would not be for a lasting relationship however well we got on. That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy an evening in each other’s company though.

A (44) from Sittingbourne was the guy I had to cancel on the previous week because of my boiler problems. He asked to meet in my home town, something I try to avoid, but as he would be working here but could get away for a coffee, I agreed and he suggested 9.30am! Gosh, I would have to get my act together, I’m not used to early starts these days.  We had a coffee and chatted easily for an hour. He’s a bit more into politics than I would like these days but he’s quite personable and attractive. We exchanged a couple of horror stories each about some of the weird personalities we’d come across on dating websites. The reference below about being whipped till he bled, was one of his.  We parted with a peck on the cheek and I thought that was probably the end of that. I didn’t get home for over an hour as had gone on to do some other jobs and when I got back found a message from him. I’ve copied part of the exchange below. You could have knocked me down with a feather, I hadn’t got that vibe from him at all!

  • Thanks for meeting thought you looked very sexy
  • Thank you Sir. Yes it was good to have a chat. Xx
  • Oh yes lol I’m pretty normal I hope and you were easy to get on with as well
  • Certainly makes life (and dating) easier! Lol. Back to work Young Man!
  • Mmmm I like being bossed around
  • Ha ha, as long as you’re not tied up and whipped till you bleed!
  • lol actually I have to admit I do enjoy being OTK spanked [Over the Knee-I had to look it up!]
  • Perhaps that’s what gave the barrister encouragement?
  • Actually I know it was I have to admit I would like to try it but it was all the rest of the messages put me off. So anyway what’s wrong with a woman ripping a hunky builders clothes off instead?
  • I think you’ve just looked at my profile again and I at yours. It’s not the heavy metal/classical music difference that makes us not a match but if you look at our answers on the questions, especially the sexual ones, we really have different tastes and I wouldn’t suit you. That said, you’re a nice guy and easy to talk to. We both know where we stand and I think could talk frankly together. If you wanted another chat at some future time to share dating experiences or whatever, I wouldn’t mind that at all. I just don’t think we’d make a good dating couple. Do you agree? xx
  • I agree we are very different For example I would probably liked to have had sex with you today and respectfully I know you like to take your time. If your interested I’m ok with friends and go with the flow if that’s sexual I’m good with that or just a coffee and chat that’s good too What you think ???
  • That’s ok as long as we are both free to see/date with anyone else. An occasional meet is fine, with or without any sexual content. You really surprise me that you fancy me at all sexually. I didn’t get that vibe at all. I am aware that I can be bossy and I also probably look the Dom sort of woman to some but it’s really not me at all. Think it must be my ‘Mum’s stern look’. Lol
  • Sure I’m really good with that and yes I was actually thinking how much I would of liked to spend the rest of the day in bed with you So if you fancy having sex all day no strings perhaps we should give it a go

Just goes to show, I’m still not always good at reading the signs (if they were there). He was so animated talking about politics, maybe I glazed over!

Then on Sunday evening I agreed to meet M (39) of Fulham. We had been having some quite full-on discussions for at least two weeks or more. He’s 6’1”, very good looking, has his own business and intellectually really interesting to talk to when I could bring the conversation around to less physical matters. I really could not see what attraction he saw in me, he could lift his little finger and have ladies of all ages flocking to him unless there was something amiss I was as yet unaware of. For this meeting, it was the first time since my very first date in London that I had felt really nervous. I think it was because it actually mattered to me whether he liked me or not and although all the advance signals seemed good, I was only too aware that until you actually meet, you cannot be sure there is any chemistry. I asked to speak on the phone first, heeding the advice given earlier and all boded well. Sadly when it actually came to the day, he must have changed his mind. Understandable but I think he could have had the decency to just say he couldn’t make it.

I’ll talk more about G (43) of Worthing in my next post but we had been due to meet on the Monday but as I had laryngitis and couldn’t talk we rescheduled for the Friday. At short notice a Hungarian fellow (K) who lived not too far away asked for a meet. His profile said 64 but in chat, he said he was 45. We made a tentative date to meet in the bar of a hotel on the Wednesday evening. My laryngitis was improving and although I got ready for the meet, my heart wasn’t really in it as I was really looking forward to the postponed date on Friday with G. A couple of hours before we were due to meet, K messaged me to check I was still willing. I said I was but then he said he was really only 35 and would prefer not to meet where we had arranged. He just wanted a kiss and a cuddle in the back of a car. Another one for the Reject file! Just as I was blocking his number from WhatsApp he managed to send a picture of the usual piece of anatomy. Best rid of that one then. Now more was riding on Friday’s date.


Month 4 (Part 3) The search continues

J (58) from Birmingham, mentioned in the last blog contacted me again and said could we have another phone conversation continuing the ‘counselling session’ re the boy in the swimming baths etc. I was going to be on my own that evening so I agreed and he said he would send me some pictures that would help ‘make me feel horny’ so I would be ready for our phone call. He asked what would turn me on and I honestly didn’t know. He tried me out with gay and lesbian porn of various sorts and whilst some of it was fascinating in a disbelieving sort of way I had to admit that none of it excited me at all and I deleted it. He said I’d need to ask questions that would force him to tell stuff about the incidents at school etc. and I tried to formulate some questions but my heart wasn’t in it. The last straw came when he said he wouldn’t be ready for the phone call for a couple of hours. I said that whilst I was on my own now, I might not be in a couple of hours. He was not a happy bunny.  I said that this stuff is just not me and he should look for someone else and he agreed to call it a day saying if I knew someone else who would like to play, would I put them in touch? (Any of my readers like contact details??). Pity about the massage though, that’s both my potential masseurs in the reject file! I’m obviously just a ‘vanilla sex’ sort of girl.

J (64) in Ulster knows he’s in an impossible situation. There isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell we’re going to meet for a coffee and a chat but he pleaded to just be able to talk on line for a while. Even that was a struggle as every line of conversation I tried to open was answered with just one or two words. There was no photo at first but when I protested, he did post one up long enough for me to copy it and then took it down again. It seems he’s afraid his ‘date from hell’ will see it. I did say he could block her but he’s really worried about her and it’s a shame as he has little chance with the profile he’s got and no picture. He looks very friendly and I do feel sorry for him as he’s out on a limb. However, I told him that trying to hold a conversation with him was like stirring treacle. I said we’d try again and gave him another opening lead and he was obviously trying harder. He started to relax a bit over the following days but then, because I was sometimes multi-tasking when chatting with him so slow in responding, he started to go all shy again. I feel bad because he’s said some really lovely things to me but it’s really a waste of time for both of us. However, we are still in touch occasionally.

I got a surprise e-mail from A of Canterbury with whom I’d had the best first date with thus far, asking if I fancied another kiss and cuddle. I barely hesitated. At first the plan was that we’d go out for dinner but as it was glass-of-red-winethe Saturday before St. Valentine’s day and it was short notice, restaurants were busy. The plan changed and he said if I wanted to go to his home, he’d cook a meal and we could watch a film. I thought about it carefully as I realised I would be in a more vulnerable position but decided to throw caution to the wind and go and enjoy the evening, but did insist on driving my own car there (he’d offered to pick me up) and I put safety measures in place in case I got out of my depth and needed an excuse to get away. I am pleased to report that the meal was lovely (indeed he also has a beautiful house) however, I didn’t quite see all of ‘A Street Cat Named Bob’ due to our having quite a passionate cuddle.

I was due to meet P (74 ) of Bexhill who was going to travel to Ashford by train and again I said I’d meet him at the station and we’d have coffee locally. This time we had a phone call first so I didn’t have the same problem as the previous week with S of Shoeburyness. I’d always had reservations about the geographical distance between us and a few days before we were due to meet, he obviously also had the same reservations. He messaged and apologised profusely for letting me down but said he just didn’t think any sort of relationship was viable due to distances and I quite agreed and was a bit grateful he’d called off.

That said, I would have had two more first meets that week but had to cancel one as I had to wait in for an engineer to fix my boiler but as he is local, it was no problem. I did, however, meet at relatively short notice with R (63) from Dover. Meeting in a popular hostelry roughly equidistant between us for a coffee, we chatted easily but although each thought the other really nice, we were quite frank about what we hoped to get out of a relationship and decided that we had quite different agendas so one more profile ended up in the ‘reject file’. Perhaps it was time to meet up with some of my younger suiters or would they back off once offered an actual date?

Month 4 (Part 2) BDSM discussions

I’ve always tried to be polite and respond to everyone who even just says ’Hello’. I can’t eschew a lifetime of courtesy! The disadvantage of this is it opens up conversations with men I am not interested in, even if I tell them that as kindly as possible from my first message. Some are more pushy than others but please, do look at the screen shot I post here, this after only 4 exchanges each way. He has two young boys of 6 and 3 (said his wife died in childbirth after the second which may or may not be true).2017-02-01-22-38-47 The man is unhinged, I tried blocking twice but didn’t work well from my phone, by which time he was asking where I live etc. There was success when my daughter tried from a laptop –she also reported him to the site on my behalf for threatening and frightening messages. Kind of her and she’s probably right but she needn’t be quite so protective, I love her for it though! I did think his message was an interesting, if not unique, chat-up line!

I had a very long and frank WhatsApp conversation with G of Chelmsford (53) in which we established, I think, we would get on quite well outside the bedroom but things started to go pear-shaped when I realised he not only has a shoe fetish (no problem with that) but that he is also really into aspects of BDSM though would not insist I partake if we were together. I actually got a bit upset at the end of the evening and said I felt stupid and weak.  There was a lot to think about and he said I wasn’t as open minded as I protested and that I should read 50 Shades of Grey for a start. (It so happened I had been lent all 4 volumes though it’s never been a book that had appealed to me but thus challenged I read all 4 over the following 2 weeks.)

He contacted me first thing the next day and asked if I was ok and we continued with a perfectly normal conversation then he said that he was so relieved as he had thought I was ‘going to bale’ after our conversation the night before. I said I had seriously considered it but I did like him and had decided I would be happy to stay in touch for the time being. He said he was very relieved.

It’s really odd, but less than a week later, I was also contacted by J of Birmingham (58). We started a normal chat and then he said could I act as his councillor over an incident when he was 14 with a boy in the changing room in swimming lessons. I said I’d listen but was no councillor but then I said ‘Are we playing a game here?’  I am not going into details, but the conversation changed from messaging to phone but all the time, I was slightly out of my depth and not sure what was real and what was pretend. I had said this was a one off and when I was talking to him I was thinking ‘I’ll block him after this conversation’. However, we actually had a really long and interesting chat about BDSM and all sorts of ‘deviations’. He said the incident in the changing room was absolutely true. He has been a long time practitioner of BDSM and said that many people who practice it do so in an abusive way and that many got their ideas from films like 50 Shades! I said I hadn’t seen the films but was at present reading the books. Anyway, the upshot of the conversation was that I was aware that he is a highly intelligent man and I’m not as appalled as I thought I might be by some of the ideas he has planted. I’ve actually not blocked him nor deleted his number from my phone – especially as he says he’s a good masseur (G of Chelmsford claims this too, does it go with the territory?). Gosh! What is happening to me?

Date number 4 was with S (62) from Shoeburyness. He travelled by train and I met him at the station in a nearby town. I knew he was really eager before we met, he is keen on travel and some of the other interests I had listed but I knew within a minute of meeting him that I was going to struggle with this date. A good friend who has already successfully completed this process warned me at the outset that she never met anyone she hadn’t spoken to on the phone. I should have listened. As soon as he spoke I knew he wasn’t for me. He said he didn’t drink alcohol so I said ‘I drink like a fish’ (a slight exaggeration but true on occasions) but it didn’t put him off. However he had travelled a long way and I felt I at least owed him the date he had come down for and that he got but I did tell him early on that, for me, there was no spark. He soldiered on still hoping against hope I would change my mind. He was really smitten with me, which made it harder. In his head we were lovers who would be going on lovely holidays. The places in which he thought he would like to make love with me at least showed a bit of imagination! Cheeky devil even admitted that he had hoped to persuade me to go to a hotel with him that night. I told him that even if he’d been the bee’s knees he wouldn’t have succeeded in that!

I tried to let him down lightly but I hate hurting peoples’ feelings. He asked ‘Could we remain friends with benefits?’ but I said there would still have to be a spark for that, then could we just remain friends and he would come and see me whenever I wasn’t busy? He thought I might change my mind on reflection but I won’t. Gosh, I hate this part of the process. I agreed to remain friends for the time being but only if he kept searching for someone else. He sent several very explicit messages that evening to which I didn’t respond. I thought about it overnight and decided to put an end to it for his sake and mine and messaged him to that effect next morning but wishing him luck.

Post Script:  G of Chelmsford has gone back to his ex-girlfriend but said as I was a nice honest lady he didn’t mind if we kept in touch. I responded that it wouldn’t be fair on his girlfriend so to delete our conversations but keep my mob. details if he wished. I said I would not message him again unless he made contact first and wished him well, hoping that his relationship would really work for him and I meant it. However that means in one day my shortlist diminished by 2. Luckily there are several in the wings waiting to move up and new contacts most days. This is definitely a numbers game and the only way I can deal with it is to be a bit methodical. Sounds cold but I think if in any other way I won’t know which way to turn. I fixed a date for the following week with P (73) of Bexhill. Decided I’d deal with the oldest contender first before venturing out with some of the very attractive younger men who seem to genuinely want to date though obviously not looking for a long term relationship. One of those who lives relatively close has just said he’d like to meet so hope springs eternal!


Month 4 (Part 1) The genie’s out of the bottle!

Simultaneously with talking to the young men mentioned in the last blog, I was keeping up conversations with several other potential suiters of all ages. One thing I had become aware of was that men of my own age or older were mainly (but not always) looking for a replacement for their deceased wife/partner for companionship, at best to slip into graceful old age with, to sit in front of the TV and have a cuddle and a drink, at worst, to have someone to look after them and cook them nice meals. I realised that whilst that might be me at some time in the future, for now I actually want more from life and a partner. I still want to live a little, have adventures maybe, as long as not too scary, travel, go to events. For this reason I am certainly more drawn to men younger than myself and luckily for me there seem to be plenty who are happy to oblige, the issue is, where do I start? I’m like a child in a sweetie shop! All this attention, even though some of it turns out to be from more frauds, can’t help but turn a girl’s head. It has certainly done great things for my self-esteem which is no bad thing.


Four more men got past first checks for not being who they said but given enough rope, tripped themselves up eventually. Always a bit of a disappointment though because I start to build a relationship with the guy they say and I am hoping they are. Two I had even given an e-mail address to and we had exchanged photographs but never mind. I accept it is part of the challenge and as there are others in the wings, thankfully, can just move on.

I have now joined website 5, arguably one of the largest in the world and, for me, this has brought best results notwithstanding the aforesaid frauds. I quickly made up my mind that I would leave website 3 at the end of January when my subscription ceased and would then remove my profile completely there. I would just stick with the free version of 4 and 5 till I decide I have my match /matches or have had enough and give up completely. The reason I say match or matches is because I am becoming aware that if I can’t find one man in reasonable travelling distance who will suit me, I may decide to have several friends that I see from time to time. I would only do that with everyone knowing the score and be happy for them to have a reciprocal arrangement. I don’t like and won’t do deceit but am becoming pragmatic as I go on. If I find one person that can offer me the whole package, I would be loyal and faithful but if I don’t find that person, I am going to be selfish for a few years.

Again, I am grateful for my fast-track education from previously mentioned media. Not that I was completely ignorant of various ‘predilections’ but wasn’t aware quite how often my photo or my profile (usually the former) would encourage men with such to make contact. I think I am broadminded (though one fellow suggests I am not and tells me to read 50 Shades of Grey!) and I might be willing to try some activities but I admit that it is all new to me. The ages vary as well amongst these guys who always seem to be very good looking which makes it harder! M of Dunstable(52) and B of Dartford (37) both have a Mummy fetish. I might cope with that if they don’t want me to put them in a nappy.

J of London (63) thinks I look like a disciplinarian (and he needs slippering or paddling occasionally) as does S from Manchester (55) who asked how I would punish him for playing practical jokes on me. Oh my, it’s a whole new world for me.

On website 5 there appeared to be section for men who only are interested in ‘Curvy Women’. I thought I’d have a quick look but found I needed to re-register. I only stayed on there for 10 minutes and it scared the life out of me. I was besieged by messages from all round the world. I came off straight away and haven’t even returned to de-register! More scary is that, although luckily I registered with my ‘special anonymous’ e-mail, I hadn’t realised that I have also been spammed with loads of e-mails from people via that site. I only found them when I looked for something else in my spam. How did the guys get my e-mail? That shouldn’t be available from the website!

Month 3 (Part 4) GILF or Mrs Robinson?

I mentioned in my last blog that there were young men in their 20’s contacting me. Most I was able to fob off in a light-hearted way, telling them they would be better going out and making friends of their own age in the real world than mailing ladies like me.  Apart from my African lad mentioned before, there were two others who have had quite an effect on me, one not for the good. I’ll talk about the latter first, J of Lancaster, 24 years old. A budding entrepreneur who has started his own business, he just wanted to talk to an older woman and that perhaps I could advise him. I’m such a softy! We messaged for a while on the site then he asked if we could use WhatsApp and I agreed.

The conversation continued during the afternoon but gradually got more personal. Then he or I (can’t remember whom) had other things to do and we said goodbye. I had remarked that his photo on the website was so ‘arty’ that I couldn’t actually see the features on his face.  Later that evening he was messaging me again and he said he’d taken a picture just for me. It was a face and bare shoulders shot showing his delicate face complete with lip piercings. He asked to talk some more and against my better judgement we did, including a short video chat. I am not going to go into details but the upshot was, I thought, a very happy young man at the finish but he said he needed to disappear for 5 minutes and that was the last I saw or heard from him for 10 days. I was so worried in case he was more vulnerable than I had thought. I didn’t worry that night but messaged him both on WhatsApp and the website over the next couple of days just to ask if he was ok and said if he’d just confirm that, I’d not contact him again, but nothing. I felt really guilty and although it was he who had made all the running, I felt as if I’d seduced him.  I was even beginning to worry that I had been such a bad influence that he might have harmed himself. 4 days later, I could bear it no longer. I telephoned his number, he answered but when I said ‘J, are you OK?’ he just hung up. That was enough though. I had recognised his voice and so felt relieved. I didn’t expect to ever hear from him again but some 10 days later he messaged me again out of the blue. I told him in no uncertain terms what he had put me through and said I wasn’t going to go through that again. He didn’t apologise, said I was being silly and that he’d had trouble with his phone but it was all fixed now which, apart from the fact he’d answered his phone, didn’t explain all. He could have contacted me through the website.  He said he still liked me and wanted to talk. I told him he was a lovely young man and wished him every success in his life but I was now going to delete our conversations and his contact details from my phone (I’d archived our earlier conversation just in case I later found out I was to blame for him doing something silly). He tried ringing me three times in quick succession whilst I was doing this but I declined them and blocked his number. I never want to feel that guilty again.

There is less to say about the other young man who is 20.  I think our friendship has been rather inspiring and encouraging on both sides. Because he first made contact just after I had gone through the wringer with J (above) he got the whole story and was so supportive and kind. I think I have helped him too and been a friend but now we’ve both decided we need to break apart gently. Contact details have been deleted so we only ‘speak’ on the website and that will gradually cease. He is a fine young man and I hope his parents are very proud of him.

I have decided no more chats with different young men in their 20’s, I am having enough trouble keeping up with those in their 30’s and 40’s! Trouble there is that I can talk the talk but a bit scared to walk the walk in case I can’t keep up! More next time.